Saturday, March 3, 2018

February Favorite - My story of dealing with OCD and Suicidal Depression

I mentioned in my first post here on the blog, that I stopped blogging for medical reasons. For a long time I had reservations of sharing what these medical reasons were, but in other news, I quit my job yesterday! Quitting made me think a lot about freedom, and how much effort I've put in the past couple of years to hide from the world. You can't just go around and tell people your deepest darkest secrets, I'm no vegan, so sharing useless facts about me is not my thing. I was ashamed that I wasn't normal and there is a solid reason why I named my blog Beauty In Insanity.
I think today is the day in which I should finally do the laundry and in the meantime, share my deepest darkest secret. If this helps at least one person in the world, it would be totally worth it. So, here goes nothing!

Hi, my names is Slim Shady and I've been dealing with OCD and suicidal depression for a big chunk of my life. I say dealing, because initially it was just that. It was coping.
A few years ago, I slowly started to develop Obsessive compulsive disorder, which sounds like herpes, but it's not, I swear.
When most people think of OCD they think of weird cleaning rituals and counting numbers like crazy, switching light on and off because your family will day, but OCD, especially the severe one, can leave a person paralyzed.

My OCD was from the severe kind where I couldn't do anything, because the intrusive thoughts were so hardcore I couldn't think straight. OCD feels like the world and the people in it, are  horrible and horrible things happen all the time, and it is all your fault. You are not a special snowflake, you are the lowest of the low. My OCD was so bad my boyfriend back then, couldn't deal with that, and so I went back home to my parents and just laid in bed crying day and night. I was going to therapy and I was showing some progress, but overall I couldn't fight it. I was fighting it for so long, everything was a nightmare, I started each day with a crying fit and ended it like that as well. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep. If you're wondering how I've staid so slim through the years, truth is, I didn't eat a damn thing! After a couple of years like that, I finally got fed up and gave up.

Now, most people think of giving up as something a coward could do, but when you give up and stop fighting, and you fall deep underground, but you keep on digging down and down and down, and you fall to the lowest of the lowest point of your life, something happens. Something snaps. I snapped. I remember the moment I finally realized I can beat this thing. It was a snowy winter day... *cue David Attenborough's voice.*  I was walking around downtown feeling like shit and listening to the OST of The Witcher 3 game. I went to my town's dock and just stood there in the freezing cold watching the big ass cranes and then it hit me. I knew I can beat this motherfucker and suddenly I was no longer scared....

Slowly I started making progress and going regularly to therapy, I started building character and mechanisms to get rid of this OCD once and for all. I split up with the boyfriend because we both decided we were not for one another. I  found a job, I left my parents, I bought this ridiculously looking roller skates and started building a life. Back then I thought I've won. Until one day I started falling down once again. I'd rather not get into details what brought me down, but it was partially motivated by the chemical imbalance in my brain.

I started growing sad. Extremely sad. Nothing was making me happy, not even remotely content. I started looking for some kind of a pain relief in alcohol and various toxic relationships.Nothing helped. 
At that time I found a boy, the sweetest boy in the world. This lifted me up for a while, but due to my brain not willing to cooperate,on some days the pain was so strong I started thinking about suicide.

The idea was so tempting, I started making plans and hiding my sadness from the world. Day after day the sadness was slowly being substituted by emptiness. That's when you start realizing something ain't right, but you're too fucked up to care. You slowly begin to loose your attachment toward people, your hobbies look boring, every movie you watch feels like a drag, the only relief from the pain is sleeping. So you sleep like Tony from the Sopranos and when you wake up you just stare at the ceiling.

Staring at the ceiling was my all time favorite activity, I was so tired of pretending I was not dying from the inside, that the moment I got home from work, I just slept or laid in a pile of dirty clothes. 
The depression couldn't get any more obvious, but I didn't even remotely care. All I could think about was dying. If you're like me, you'd probably have a very strong survival instinct. Whole my life I've been trying not to die by my own stupidity, but now suicide looked like the most wonderful thing in the world.

The number of attempts I tried killing myself is like the number of times I've tried to impress a guy with my vast knowledge of IMDB ratings. I tried pills, I tried alcohol with pills, I tried cutting my wrists, I tried drowning myself in a bath tub, yeah dude, seriously. I really tried hard, but there was always someone saving me or I just couldn't kill myself properly because I was scared. Yeah, suicidal people are scared of death, they do not want to die, they see it as relief from their pain. 

One time I slashed my wrists a bit too deep, so I had to go to the doctor so he can glue them, and when he and the med sis saw me, they wanted to give me a whole month of sick leave and started making awkward conversations and asking me what's wrong. By then I was starting to think that maybe I need help. If someone out there, is going through shit, no matter how small it may seem to you, go to fucking therapy. It fucking helps, I swear to baby Jesus, find your therapist and stick to him/her.  If you don't have enough money, find a support group, one that does not only complain, but understands. Find books on your issue, try solving it yourself with the help of others. Do whatever it takes, just fucking do it, I know you don't want do, but no is not an option.

With the help of people around me, who didn't left me to die, you bastards you, I began going to therapy and psychiatric therapy as well. Right now I am on so many meds, people with drug problems, envy me, but hell if I care. Initially I cared though, initially I wanted to get better with just therapy cause I was strongly against any kind of artificial chemical in my brain. What happened was that because I was willing to die anyway I thought, hell let's take drugs, what they gonna do anyway, kill me? 

So, with the help of my family, friends, therapy, pills, my own stubbornness, I began living again. I studied depression, I studied OCD. 
And here we are, three months later, I am a happy idiot. I roller skate, I read, I swim, I laugh, I drink (don't tell my psychiatrist), I quit my job and I am going to a new one, I have a doge and I am fully capable of doing shit most people are afraid to do. I feel like I am living for the first time in my life, but you know what? When you fall as low as possible and you break yourself, you finally realize the important things in life. You have a clear picture of what is worth it and what is not, you are not afraid of anything, because you've been through hell. And if someone is reading this right now, and you feel like crap, know that there is a way  you can retain your life back. Okay? No matter how big the problem, you can make it, you know why? Because if a coach potato did it, so can you!


  1. Thank you for your honesty. It is so important that people speak about mental health openly. It has been a taboo for too long. You are very brave. xx

  2. Ill be praying for you if you'd like! i understand some of how you feel- so glad you've got a good support group! I love your blog and your honesty- Thanks!!

  3. These things are hard to share, so congrats! My 2c on similar issues (been there myself too, not quite like you but still) - since the problem is more hardware, than software I got disillusioned that talking works. Exercise seems to work (resistance training), cutting on carbs is widely considered too. And one trick of mine - when in some not quite normal mood, one can think of it as a problem in the hardware and try to ignore most of the BS that the brain generates in that state. Consciously look at oneself from a side and wait it to pass.
    Good luck!

  4. Hi Kait! First, I'm glad you are still here, with people around you who could have helped you. It's brave and instructive that you writes about it, despite it being harsh. I imagine how my throat would be tight and my hands shaking if I would have to relate such an experience (I met this state, on a minor level, so I can only imagine). So: virtual hugs!!
    I must say that getting to know a condition is really helpful to put it aside, and taking some distance from it. But of course, it happens after we, ourself, can get some distance -dayum, that's not cool.
    You go girl! I wish you the best tomorrows :p
    (now, it's time to update myself on your last post(s?) I missed o/ )

  5. I think the worst thing about depression is that your brain is telling you not to do the only thing that can help you and that is to start treating depression, which often means getting help. It's such a vicious disease, where your brain is against you, and I can see how in that state it is really hard to make sense of things. I often think about how depression is quite possibly the most dangerous illness of modern times. From what I read, depression is highly treatable but the problem is that people don't seek help until it gets really bad and then the recovery is harder- but they don't seek help because often they just can't, their brain is tricking them into not looking for help. It is very problematic that there is still such a stigma when it comes to talking about it, especially since it is something that affect so many people and families. We as a society should really talk about depression more, understand it better and not confuse it with other things.

    I feel like I can relate to depression to an extent, because I also suffer from a chronic illness (Chron's disease) and it's been really bad ever since I was diagnosed about 7 years ago, bad like in being regularly hospitalized for long periods of time. I've been on all kind of medications (and I still am), and I reacted badly to all of it. A lot of medication I take was developed as a form of chemotherapy, so it's not much fun to take. Most of medication I take is designed to suppress the immune system and it makes me feel like crap but I kept taking it and I thought it was all I was supposed to do. I thought I was doing really great, coping with it perfectly, but now I realize that was not exactly so. All this time I kept waiting for remission and then when I realized that it's just not going to happen it was pretty hard and I felt really bad....but there was also this moment of clarification when I realized that I just have to deal with it. It was hard admitting how bad it was and more importantly to admit that I have a tendency to 'downplay it a lot'.

    I think that the mistake all of us with chronic illnesses (and depression is also a chronic illness if I'm not mistaken) is to put our energy into appearing 'fine'. We waste so much energy that way. Thinking and saying something like 'No, I'm not completely healthy but I can still live my life' is much better and honestly so liberating, I don't know why we don't do it more often. But often we spend so much time and energy hiding our pain, until the moment comes when we really have no energy left. What we should be doing is figuring out how to organize our lives, finding strategies to fall back on during those 'bad days' and understanding that a chronic illness is something we need to fight every step of the way. I think there is a saying 'it's ok not to be ok' and that one rings very true when applied to these kind of situations.

  6. At one period, I ended up in ER pretty often and doctors who don't know that much about immune/chronic diseases often would suspect me of having either depression or an eating disorder, more often the first. The symptoms are similar, the constant pain, the chronic fatigue and so on. That made me read more about depression...reading about it proved helpful because not long after that there were indeed periods when I felt extremely down and would often start and end up a day crying. At the end of 2017 my condition got worse, I almost died and all, and since then I've been reading anything I could find about dealing with chronic illnesses and so on. People with chronic/immune illness are much more likely to suffer from depression, so I get why that one time doctors advised me to seek therapy for depression. There is a lot of good information out there, treatments, support groups and so on- I think that taking any kind of step can make us feel better, the worst thing is to get caught up in a closed circle. It is tempting to think that problems will disappear on their own, but they won't. We just need to fight it and find what works for us. I'm an analytical type so for me knowing more is always better, I feel like reading about it helps but for other people, other strategies might work.

  7. I wrote a really long comment for you yesterday which seems not to have gone through. In it I said wonderfully wise and supportive things, of course, and complimented you on your strength and courage. I also expressed gratitude that you have supportive people in your life. I sent you love and hugs too so I'm resending. They have a bit of cat fur attached just to get your dog excited. xo

  8. Thought so....
    Coming from a long line of family mental health issues & as someone who once (decades ago) made a vein attempt to overdose, I had a hunch.
    You're too smart & witty to let the dark side win Keit. Kudos for sharing my friend, keep up the good work. It takes time to like yourself & decades to fall in love with you...well in my humble experience. But when you do, nothing will ever stand in your way again because you are the true source of your own happiness xxx

  9. I wish I could give you a big hug. It takes so much guts to bare your soul like this, but I know for a fact that this post will help others similarly situated. It helps to know that you're not alone. Personally, I wish I could afford therapy. Having someone to talk to is the greatest relief and I mean someone who only has your best interests at heart and who won't judge you or share your secrets with others. Someone you can really trust. I have so few people like that in my life and I know I would be much better off mentally, if I had someone like that. Instead, I mostly just have to talk to myself and brood. Heh. It's not great, but it's carried me through my childhood. *shrug*

    Anyway, I'm always here for you. Be well! <3

    - Anna

  10. Keit, you know I got you. I keep you in my fluffiest thoughts and no, I'm not being a cynic! I thought of you when you went missing from the Internet but people sometimes move on and do live an awesome life in reality so I did't think much of it. I am sorry you went through this but I am also not sorry because you're back with a new appreciation for your life. I say this as someone who had TRIED to die a few times in my early twenties too but I won't bore you with the details. Perhaps I will on a blog post but I will say that it is YOU that you need to the most to help you through. Nobody gets you like YOU do. As for taking active steps to get back to LIFE, I have to say KUDOS to you with the help of everyone involved in giving you back your life. Someone said this, I think it was The Rock, yup it was. He said it to Lilly (superwoman from YouTube) who also has depression that NOone can take care of you the way you take care of you, so take care of yourself! I'm sorry if I sound like a nagging grandma but I just love you! We all have days that go off the cliff, the point is that even we don't want to be on that darn cliff all the time. Appreciate balance that is unique to you. I send you my fluffy love and extra potatoes because they're yummy. I enjoy your outfit photos and your brutally-raw personal story. I hope I didn't say anything to hurt you in any way! :) xoxoxox


I appreciate every comment on the bloggy! It makes me all warm and fuzzy inside!